Two of The Consent Crew’s favourite consent conversation starters are simply, “What’s your Yes?” and “What’s your No?”*
Have you ever asked yourself those questions before you went out to an event? Before you had a conversation with people important to you? Before you’ve been intimate with someone? If you’ve spent some time reflecting on your yeses and noes (your boundaries), you might have noticed it’s a lot easier to be clear with yourself and others. Since clear communication is a key for consent, we encourage you to take some time and ask yourself, “what’s my yes/no/maybe?”
*Interested in these images as conversation starters? Get in touch with us! They make great business card-sized questions.
Calling In is a process, one that begins with a conversation, and requires support and follow up for everyone involved.
When I first began exploring the world of consent activism, there was a different approach being taken. Calling Out seemed to be the only strategy that addressed dealing with someone whose behaviour had been harmful or problematic.
I’ve found problems with Calling Out: it isnt’t a conversation, it tends to be a one-sided declaration; it critiques the person, and does not offer hope for them to change their behaviour; it too often comes from such a place of anger and reactivity that the act itself is one I’ve found to be oppressive, and leads to compounding a cycle of trauma where no one gets to find healing.
I’ve experienced being included in circles that have wanted to call someone out, and wondered what that might be like to be on the receiving end of, how that could be internalised. Witnessing a person in community being Called Out, and watching the progression of interactions over several months, I’ve asked myself- did anything really change through this?
Calling In: A Way to Grow Together
“When I see problematic behaviour from someone who is connected to me, who is committed to some of the things I am, I want to believe that it’s possible for us to move through and beyond whatever mistake was committed”
~ Ngọc Loan Trần on Black Girl Dangerous
“Calling In” has been referred to as “a less disposable way of holding ourselves accountable”. It’s a means of recognising that we can all make mistakes, and inviting someone to do better. Calling In isn’t about making accusations or placing someone in the role of persecutor- not the person on the receiving end, nor the person offering the Call In.
Whereas Calling Out runs the risk of coming from a place of emotional reaction, Calling In has quite a different character. Calling In recognises that the majority of boundary crossings are accidental, “tragic expressions of unmet needs”. I’ve explored many approaches to Calling In- not all of which have been effective. So here, developed through some trial and error, is a concise guide on how to call someone in.
KNOW YOUR WHY This is one of the most important things to get clear on. Why does this person matter to you? Why is this situation of significant to you? What is the end-goal you hope for by having this conversation with them?
CAN IT BE YOU?
Are you the right person to talk to them? What’s your personal relationship? Is the subject matter something that might trigger you? If you aren’t the right person, who might be able to support you, or to have the conversation on your behalf? Are you someone they’ll listen to? Most often these conversations are easier if we are not personally experiencing trauma as a result of the other person’s actions, or if we are a more neutral third party acting in a role of advocacy. Do not attempt to call someone in if you yourself are feeling traumatised by their actions. Do not attempt to Call In if you are feeling raw or triggered about the person or their actions or their effects on others. Reach out for support and ask someone else to have the conversation on your behalf.
WHAT ARE THE OBSTACLES?
What potential blocks might this person have to engaging in this conversation? What fears might you be carrying around this conversation? Could having this conversation created repercussions for others? If so, are they aware you’re having this conversation, and do you have their explicit informed consent?
FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIOUR Get clear around what specific behaviour this person engaged in, rather than any assumptions, projections, or judgements around their motivations or personality. The more specific you can be about the behaviour and how the behaviour affected you and/or others, the more you’re going to be able to give this person feedback that they can learn and grow from.
HAVE THE CONVERSATION IN PERSON
I have found, from painful experience, that this is not something to ever do via email, text message, or phone call. So much of communication and understanding tone comes from being physically in one another’s presence. Invite them to have a conversation with you in person.
FIND YOUR ZEN Breathe. Listen to calming music. Do whatever helps you to centre and focus before you dive into the conversation, and then:
Start by sharing any fears or apprehensions you have around the conversation, and identifying anything that could be a potential obstacle.
Then, share your hopes for the outcome of the conversation, and why you care enough to have this conversation with them.
Once you’ve shared these elements, share the feedback about the specific behaviour.
Remember to focus on the actions, and the impact they had on others, rather than any assumptions or projections around their intent or motivation. Behaviour can be changed, and people are often open to changing their behaviour once they know the unintended effects they have had, but if it comes across that you are attacking who they are as a person, they are likely to grow defensive against you and your message. If you can assume they did not intend malevolence, and can be clear in coming from a place of compassion, you may find yourself being more heard and understood in your Calling In.
OFFER SPACE FOR CLARIFICATION QUESTIONS, ACTIVE LISTENING, AND SUPPORT
What we say may not always be heard as intended, so it’s a good idea to check for understanding. You can ask the other person to repeat back to you what they think they’ve heard, and invite them to ask any questions they need to for clarification. You may want to re-emphasize your why, and the hopes that you have of the growth and/or healing this conversation could lead to.
It’s hard to know ahead of time what any individual’s wounds and past traumas are. Endeavour to be ready to offer support for how the other person feels upon hearing your feedback- sometimes people can find themselves emotionally triggered when being called in. They might even get defensive or shut down. If this happens, you can offer them compassion and empathy, and invite them to seek support from their friends/family/community if they don’t want support from you.
INVITE THEM TO ENGAGE, INQUIRE ABOUT THEIR WHY
It can be tempting to let the conversation end here, but the most positive results I’ve seen from Calling In are when the invitation is repeatedly made to engage in dialogue about behaviour. This isn’t always easy- and remember that someone who has suffered as a consequence of another’s person may not be prepared to engage with them directly. However, if you are an unaffected party, you might be in a position to be able to support growth and transformation through engaging in a conversation as peers.
Asking someone whose behaviour is having unintended consequences what effect they’d like to have, and working to understand why they have behaved the way they have can create more space for compassion, and can further support them in growing and changing.
EMBRACE THE CLUNKINESS
Having Calling In conversations is not always smooth. I’ve found that sometimes, even when I follow all these steps, the other person is inevitably going to listen through their own lens. Sometimes people might be dealing with tremendous trauma of their own, or suffer for other conditions of mental stress- or they could have atypical neurology (and could even be completely unaware of the fact) that can make processing the conversation more challenging.This means that the conversations around Calling In can still get clunky, they can still get involved, and there can be a lot of feels. My advice? Embrace it. If the other person in the conversation is having a hard time listening or understanding that this is a Calling In rather than a Calling Out, then have patience, and seek a back up person who may be able to try the conversation fresh from a different angle.
A Note On Calling Out
I’ve learned that Calling Out has a time and a place. For example, if someone’s well-being is in immediate danger, it might be prudent. There are occasions where, if Calling In doesn’t work, it may be appropriate to Call Out. Calling Out is often a more publicly delivered message, where an entire community may ask for an individual to be accountable for their actions. It’s important to consider, before Calling Out, what the motivation for doing so is: do you wish the individual to learn and grow, or to be humiliated and ostracised? Or is there some other motive? As with Calling In, I recommend being incredibly clear as to why you personally are choosing to engage.
I’m inspired by all the work I see happening in consent culture activism around me, and hope that this can further support the amazing work being done by dedicated individuals and groups around the world. Thank you all for being part of this journey.
Mel Mariposa is a relationship coach, and the author of the blog, Polysingleish. She is a queer, polyamorous relationship anarchist, and an advocate for consent culture. With over sixteen years of experience teaching and facilitating classes and workshops, she is also co-producer for the successful Erotica Electronica series in Vancouver, BC, and a co-founder of The Consent Crew. She holds a certification in Counselling for Intimacy in Relationships from the Vancouver College of Counsellor Training, and through her practice, Radical Relationship Coaching, she helps individuals discover new dimensions of their relationships to themselves, and the people in their lives. www.radicalrelationshipcoaching.ca www.polysingleish.ca
UPDATE Dec 14th 2015 Since this story was first posted it has been shared extensively around the world. We have received many comments, so many in fact that our website is experiencing difficulties, and is unable to display comments at this time.
Some people believe it is a made up story, or that it has been heavily embellished. Others have reacted strongly to the story and believe it is playing into unacceptable gender norms and other societal scripts.
The Consent Crew presents this story here as it is, an eloquently retold real life story of what a father experienced when he took his seven year old son to visit Santa. It does seem too good a story to be true- and yet sometimes amazing things do happen in real life. By presenting this here, we hope to generate discussion about the ways we teach and role model consent to both young people and adults.
We have added a short statement from the father at the end of the story.
Thank you for engaging in an interest in Consent Culture.
This story was shared by a father, and is about his seven year old son, Sage.
“So, my son and I are at the mall, waiting for pictures with Santa. He starts chatting with a boy, and discovers they’re the same age. The boy is a bit obnoxious, so my son decides to play with the toddler behind us, instead. I will hereafter refer to the kid in front as “OB.”
The line moves at the usual snail’s pace. I hear “Hey!” and turn to see a young girl giving OB a glare. “What?” he says. “I said ‘hi’ and you were ignoring me. That’s -rude-.” My son also turns and looks.
Line moves a bit more. OB takes to yanking on the girl’s braid. “Scotty,” says his mom, indulgently, “that’s not nice.” He grins at her. I assume, at this point, that the girl is his sister, as her mom is nowhere to be found.
He does it again. Cycle repeats. -Then- the girl’s mom comes over from where she was chatting with her friends. And the boy does it again.
“Scottyyyyyy,” his mom says, looking amused. “That’s not a nice way to get her attention.” She leans into the other mom a bit and says, “I think he likes her.” The other mom smiles back, with that “Gosh, ain’t young love grand?” expression. The girl looks flustered, but not terribly hurt.
I look down to see my son looking up at me with a baffled expression on his face. I resolve, at that point, to intervene if he does it again.
He does it again. I’m trying to figure out something to say as the mom “Scottyyyyy”s again. Then my son says, “Stop that!” Everybody looks at him. “You’re hurting her!”
“Oh, sweetie,” the boy’s mom says, “he just likes her. He thinks she’s pretty. Don’t you think girls are pretty?”
I decide to let him handle it.
My son scowls enormously at the mom. “What does her being pretty have to do with hurting her?”
“Oh, he’s not really hurting her. He’s just trying to get her attention.” The girl’s mom is nodding in agreement. “Don’t worry, she’s fine.” The girl’s expression is the very image of exasperation.
And OB does it again. “OW! Stop it!” the girl finally snaps. “That hurt!”
My son steps forward, spins the other kid around by his shoulder, and punches him hard enough in the gut to drop him to his knees. “Oh my god! Scotty!” his mom yelps. “What do you think you’re doing?!” she yells at my son.
He looks up at her. Shrugs. And says, “I think he’s pretty. I just wanted to get his attention.”
The mom glares at me while she collects OB off the ground and pulls him out of line. “Aren’t you going to say something?” she yells at me.
I nod. Put my hand on my son’s shoulder. Look at him meaningfully. “Well-played, sir,” I say. He beams at me. “You PRICK!” OB’s mom shouts. My son looks shocked. “-Language-!” he says to her. They storm off.
My son turns to the girl, looks her up and down, and says, “You -are- very pretty. I’m sorry I let that boy pull your hair. That was not okay. He needs to learn about consent. It’s a thing.”
They spend the rest of the line-up chatting about consent while her mother looks embarrassed and confused.
My son gets to Santa. Santa asks him if he’s been good. “Weeeeellllllll,” he says, “I just punched a kid who wouldn’t stop pulling this girl’s hair.” Santa looks at me. I nod. Santa considers. “I’d say you’ve been -very good-, then.” He gives him an extra candy cane.”
A Follow-Up from Sage’s Dad:
Sage and I have been talking about this a lot.
One of the things that made him the most uncomfortable about that experience was that it turned violent. We discussed it at length afterwards — that there are different options to deal with these things. Compared to other kids his age, he’s remarkably non-violent. I have many memories of watching him stand by the side as a group of kids basically beat the crap out of each other.
As others have pointed out, kids don’t necessarily have the socialization we do. Violence is, frankly, more common for them. I viewed his response as measured and appropriate…for a seven year old.
In regards to the comments about “letting the boy hurt her” — he was apologizing for not acting sooner, not trying to rob the girl of agency. In the conversation we had afterwards, he was actually angry that none of the adults (including me) did anything about what was going on.
I don’t celebrate the act of violence. I celebrate that my son doesn’t buy into gender norms that say it’s okay to hurt girls and women, and that he was brave enough to act on it.
I think the reason the other mom looked so embarrassed when my son was talking to her was because he was pretty much repeating what we’ve taught him about consent. A lot of “you own your body,” and “no one should touch you without your permission,” etc. Which sucks, because I didn’t want her to feel humiliated. I kept hoping she’d pipe in to agree or something, but she just stood there and looked like she was personally getting crapped on. I made a few supportive comments, but it didn’t make a dent.
Of course, when I later brought up the whole “don’t you think punching him was an example of touching without permission” thing to my son, we ended up having a loooong talk about the few times violence could be acceptable.
Sage definitely doesn’t buy into the “boys will be boys” ethos. Never has, really. We’ve had to do a bit of de-programming to counteract the effects of television.
I had a fascinating discussion with him about de-escalation, and how women are taught to go passive in the face of male aggression. I come from a family of very strong women — while they do experience the same sort of crap other women go through, they immediately confront it. Sage has very strong female role models in his life, not the least of whom is his mom.
Little kids are learning about consent, but it seems to be from the viewpoint of “avoid” or “tell a grown-up.” These tactics don’t seem to do much good, as far as I can tell. Bullying continues to fly under the radar of most adults, who conveniently forget how brutally violent the lives of children can be.
“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” ~ R. Buckminster Fuller
My name is Melina, and I’m one of the co-founders of The Consent Crew.
I had an epiphany a couple of years ago- I had no idea what Consent was. I had grown up in a world seemingly devoid of the concept. Every day conversations in my family were filled with demands, a pattern which I copied and then brought into my friendships and relationships. One day, I began to realise that this wasn’t all that nice a way to behave towards people I loved, and I started to wake up to the idea of Consent Culture.
The truth is, we all have boundaries around what we are willing to give, and we all have things we want. Sometimes we are extra selfish, we behave stupidly, we forget that other people have their wants and boundaries too, empathy and compassion fly out the window, and we violate someone’s consent.
We have all done it. And we have all had it done to us.
I’m not here to wield the battleaxe of consent, donned in a skirt of sex-positivity and breast-plate of feminism (though, that sounds like an amazing costume idea); we, of the Consent Crew, want this to be fun. We want to engage you in this conversation, consensually. We are tired of social awkwardness, intoxication, and ignorance being an acceptable excuse for assault and bullying. We want to provide you with an alternative, an alternative that we think really works way better than the current paradigm, an approach that leads to happier, healthier individuals and communities.
Before I go further, let’s get clear on some terminology. Consent Culture is the antithesis of something called “Rape Culture“, a label given to describe a cultural attitude- prevalent in human society- that ignores the individual’s right for bodily autonomy, and instead glorifies the idea of forcing or coercing another to bend or submit to another person’s wants. Consent Culture is the solution we offer to the oppressive nature of a phenomenon called Patriarchy (that says a man can over-ride the autonomy of any other gender) and Kyriarchy (that says a person with sociocultural privilege- be it gender, orientation, race, position or otherwise- has the right to over-ride an individual’s free will, simply because of their privileged position). Privilege refers to an inherent socio-cultural bias that favours someone or gives them a particular advantage not due to personal merit or effort- such as the economic class someone was born into or a person’s outward racial or gender appearance. There are some forms of privilege that are considered to be universal (such as Male Privilege, a global phenomenon where the masculine is treated as default superior in many aspects of life), and there are some examples of privilege that tend to be the exception to the norms.
“A consent culture is one in which the prevailing narrative of sex–in fact, of human interaction–is centered around mutual consent. It is a culture with an abhorrence of forcing anyone into anything, a respect for the absolute necessity of bodily autonomy, a culture that believes that a person is always the best judge of their own wants and needs…
I don’t want to limit it to sex. A consent culture is one in which mutual consent is part of social life as well. Don’t want to talk to someone? You don’t have to. Don’t want a hug? That’s okay, no hug then. Don’t want to try the fish? That’s fine… Don’t want to be tickled or noogied? Then it’s not funny to chase you down and do it anyway.”
We believe that most of us have no desire to hurt or harm another person. However, we also believe that we have all done so, in moments of selfishness, where we have forgotten to consider another person’s autonomy. This makes it sometimes challenging to talk about Consent. In fact, some people are afraid to engage in this conversation, because they know they’ve made mistakes. If you are one of those people, please know you aren’t alone.
The deeper you go into the “rabbit hole” of Consent Culture, the more you find there is that you had never considered before, and the more you begin to see every interaction with another human being through that lens of Consent. That can be challenging, for many people. You might start to see your relationships differently. You may question things you have done for loved ones, and things that loved ones have done for you. It can be especially challenging for people who have been the victims of consent violations to realise that they may have violated the consent of others.
Stigmatising the subject won’t get us, as a society of humans, anywhere. We are here to explore a paradigm where our interactions are guided by compassion, respect, tolerance, kindness, and patience. Consent culture is about respecting that we have no right to take or demand what someone else is not willing to give or share. And, if you mistakenly do, then the best thing you can do is say, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, what can I do to repair this trust?”, and, if your actions have hurt someone, “What can I do to help you heal from this?”
Consent isn’t just about sex, it is a possibility in every interaction you have, and we invite you to join us and explore what that looks like. We believe interactions can be more fun, playful, engaging, enjoyable, enriching, and satisfying when coming from a mindset of Consent Culture. And, that’s why we are here, with teapots of consent, cupcakes of feminist thought, and sandwiches of sex-positivity.